Madness Comes To Brum

A disused mansion house in Birmingham is to be converted into the local headquarters for the ‘Church’ of Scientology. That’s all we need; don’t we already have enough Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons in the area who are more than willing to stop us in the street to preach? The scientologists released a statement saying that its following in the West Midlands had apparently increased by 25% in the last ten years, but that is slightly misleading without the specific figures because an increase as little as four members to five members would count as 25%. But most disturbingly hilarious of all, one wing of the building is going to be named after the founder of scientology, the science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. That’s right, the man who plucked this ‘religion’ out of thin air used to write sci-fi – what a coincidence! I mean it’s almost as if he was able to make the whole thing up! How this six million pound building redevelopment got approval is beyond me.

Celebrity Arrogance

An unusual subject for praise this week: Malawi.

On a recent trip to Malawi, the pop singer Madonna was stripped of her VIP status on her way out of the country, along with her entourage. Heavens forfend, they had to line up with other passengers and were frisked by security officials! Madonna was seemingly annoyed by this reluctance to treat her like a millionaire celebrity. I say ‘seemingly’ because Madonna has since denied her arrogant behaviour, but personally I prefer to believe the political integrity of Malawian President Joyce Banda. She was quoted as saying that Madonna wanted Malawi “to be forever chained to the obligation of gratitude” for Madonna’s charitable contributions to the country (Malawi is where Madonna adopted her two children from, because American kids apparently weren’t good enough!).

Banda went on to say, “Granted, Madonna is a famed international musician. But that does not impose an injunction of obligation on any government under whose territory Madonna finds herself, including Malawi, to give her state treatment. Such treatment, even if she deserved it, is discretionary not obligatory … Among the many things that Madonna needs to learn as a matter of urgency is the decency of telling the truth. For her to tell the whole world that she is building schools in Malawi when she has actually only contributed to the construction of classrooms is not compatible with manners of someone who thinks she deserves to be revered with state grandeur.” Also, the President said that Madonna was “a musician who desperately thinks she must generate recognition by bullying state officials instead of playing decent music on the stage.”

Finally a country is standing up to the unprincipled status of pampered celebrities. Excellent work, President Banda. But let’s hope that Malawi doesn’t release a comedy pop song opposing Madonna, otherwise the BBC might feel compelled to ban it! In case anybody doesn’t get that reference, the legacy of Thatcher is censorship!

Don't Forget Today's Relevance

Labour leader Ed Miliband has launched his local election campaign today, including some very worthy policies. He wants to reinstate the 50% income tax rate for the highest earners, introduce a mansion tax, crack down on rising train fares, and reform the rip-off energy market. Unfortunately, nobody is going to listen to any of this now, because Margaret Thatcher has died, which I’m sure will receive blanket news coverage (and most of it probably fawning). Even in death, she is stealing the limelight for the right-wingers. I suppose it would be disrespectful of me to say anything too negative about her on her death-day just to promote my own socialist agenda, but I’m certainly not going to say anything good about her either. Just don’t forget the other news stories of the day which will have more constructive impact for the future.

Whovians Have Become Simpletons

The new series of Doctor Who started last Saturday and certain points need to be made.

1.      No series, regardless of popularity, should be advertised on the BBC News Channel. News is meant to be about current affairs in global or national events, not self-promotion.

2.      Doctor Who nowadays is primarily about special effects, fast-paced action sequences and appealing to a teenage (or childish) audience. Gone are the sublime days when William Hartnell would impress people with pure acting even though he sometimes had to walk with a stick. Or when Patrick Troughton could combine clownish comedy with awe-inspiring gravitas. Or when Peter Davison actually had cynicism towards humanity rather than fawning servility. Doctor Who hasn’t been daring for a long time.

3.      Jeopardy has been forgotten. For a drama to have real impact, the viewer must believe that bad things can happen so that the relief is then palpable. David Tennant was once surrounded by Cybermen only to escape by producing an otherwise unheard of device which deactivated them. If the Doctor can do that to any enemy then there is no jeopardy and therefore no real excitement. I remember when the companion Adric died because of Cyberman intervention (and when I say died, I don’t mean transported to a parallel universe!); that implemented real jeopardy where you never quite knew what was going to happen next – a crucial element for compelling drama.

4.      Russell T. Davies was a condescending, superficial shit who ruined the legacy of Doctor Who. His suggestion that he was simply carrying on the events of the Hartnell era was downright offensive to those who truly understood the series at that time (Hartnell’s Doctor wasn’t always a nice man and certainly didn’t feel the need to placate the masses!). Even when Davies said he was going to produce a more adult sci-fi with Torchwood it still became a vehicle for the ever-conceited John Barrowman to spoil character development (i.e. if a character is immortal, then where is the fucking jeopardy?!). And even though Davies is now gone, his replacement (as well as Matt Smith) have done nothing to alleviate the inane dramatic platitudes which are no longer worth watching on Saturday evenings.

5.      Finally, to anyone who doubts me, watch ‘The Caves Of Androzani’ from1983. Try to put out of your mind the dated effects and set designs, try to ignore Davies’ brainwashing propaganda that his storylines were better than they used to be, just focus on the script and well-developed characters (especially the intensely wondrous Sharaz Jek), and see what Doctor Who should always have been.

Cull Obsession

Recently there seems to be an organised media campaign to kill animals, with dubious evidence for support. Only today it has been suggested that because expanding deer populations are affecting biodiversity and damaging crops, it is therefore necessary to implement a 50% deer cull. This seems somewhat overzealous, to say the least; if a natural predator undergoes population growth because it is better at surviving in its surrounding environment – even if that is to the detriment of other species – that is evolution in action. That’s the way nature works; it should not be used as an excuse for widespread killing. The introduction of a new venison market is not something I have a problem with – as a meat eater all I’m bothered about regarding food production is whether the animals have been killed humanely – but I don’t think that a new food market would justify killing off half of an animal population! There aren’t that many people suddenly desperate to eat more venison.
And this need to cull comes on top of the ongoing badger controversy. If scientific research was providing convincing evidence that a badger cull would significantly prevent the distribution of bovine tuberculosis, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it; but currently the studies are suggesting that an impact will only be made if over 70% of any badger population is destroyed (a difficult thing to achieve when they are likely to move elsewhere fairly rapidly once they realise their dens are being continually disturbed), and even then it would probably only result in a 12-16% reduction in bovine TB. Surely that isn’t a reasonable enough result to justify mass animal slaughter. Other options should be exhaustively implemented first and further studies carried out so that effective measures can be determined before rash actions are taken.

Mutual Friendship

The friends who really care are those who pick you up when you have fallen...

But you don't understand, do you? It has become such a trite saying that you are presumptuous. You presume to think that this solely applies to you. When you hear such a cliche, you think: “That's right, my real friends would pick me up when I have fallen and give me the help that I need; those who do not help me are not my real friends.” But that assumption makes you a dumbass! What you don't realise is that it also applies to those around you. If you are not picking up your friends, then why should they bother about you? A willingness to empathise is required. And when I say that you should pick them up, I don't mean inane jollity, meaningless banter and vague attempts to divert them from their problems; I mean a genuine emotional connection that will enrich their existence – just trying to understand someone who is different from yourself. (If that sounds pretentious, then you don't get what it is to be above shallow.) I mean displacing your own needs in the hope that your friend will start having trust in theirs – it is more difficult than most people realise. To understand the needs of someone who has different life beliefs from you is a noble aspiration. I'm not saying that you should try to connect with everyone (far from it in fact, most people seem to enjoy behaving like idiots!), but your true friends should deserve an extra effort.

So if ever someone tries to pick you up from the goodness of their heart, ask yourself what you have done recently.

 

A Christmas Joke

Many years ago, Santa was having his worst Christmas ever.

The elves had gone on strike. Trade negotiations with ACAS had broken down, and it was clear that no financial settlement was going to be reached before the new year. Santa had drafted in the tooth fairies to help out, but they just hadn't had enough training in present wrapping, so delivery was going to fall drastically behind schedule.
On top of that, Mrs Claus had asked for a trial separation. It had transpired that she'd been having an affair with the Easter Bunny for the last six months and now felt more satisfied than she'd been with Santa. Apparently bunnies just liked a lot more fun!
On top of that, Rudolph's nose had gone out! The traditional Christmas trial run on December the 23^rd had failed abysmally when lack of light had caused the sleigh to crash into pylons over Greenland, electrocuting two reindeer (not fatally), thereby preventing them from working on Christmas Eve.
And on top of that, Donner had got Blitzen pregnant, meaning that she was entitled to maternity leave at the most inconvenient of times. I mean, really, who would have thought that Donner was a fella?!
Then, to top it all off, when Santa was already running hours late and was worried about having to deliver presents well into the morning of December the 25^th, the chief tooth fairy (a conceited so-and-so) strolled into the main workshop, lackadaisical as ever, and said to Santa: “Yo, fatman! Where do you want this last Christmas tree shoving?!”
And to this day, that is why we put fairies on the tops of Christmas trees!