Will The Masses Back Him?

In his New Year’s speech, Prime Minister David Cameron has said that the country can unite this year around the “global drama” of the Olympics and the “glory” of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. Personally, I think the Olympics could turn out to be a colossal waste of money in these austere times, and I’d rather take a dump than watch any more vacuous and mundane footage of the royal family! But unfortunately, David Cameron is probably right. People generally do celebrate these specious national events, as was demonstrated during last year’s nauseous outpouring of jingoistic sentimentality during the royal wedding. So, the nation will unite, money will pour into Great Britain, the economy will recover, people will be able to find work again, we will all be shaking hands with each other as we pass in the street, and everyone will shout “hurrah” from their rooftops as they realise we have all been saved from the doom that has befallen other countries. And the result of all this will be … the coalition government will last forever! So be very careful what you wish for.

I Hate Will And Kate

I know this is a predictable rant to have, but I really wish that the royal wedding would just fuck off. Not only is it costing the UK taxpayer millions of pounds for security arrangements (the exact amount remains undisclosed because the royal family and the British government know that it would kick up a shit-storm if working-class people discovered the exorbitant quantity they were being asked to provide), but also the news coverage is almost saturated with the event. I know that some people are monarchists and will enjoy ‘the big day’, but do even the most avid royalists truly care about when the wedding rehearsal is, and which royal family member has just left certain premises at any given time?! If they do, perhaps they need to learn how to socialise with other human beings. Personally, I’ll be getting drunk as soon as the pubs open on Friday (preferably in a pub without a huge TV showing the wedding!) and avoiding watching the loving couple at all costs in the vain hope that there will be some other likeminded people worth talking to in the local vicinity. And quietly - or more boisterously as the day wears on - I’ll be hoping that something bad happens to the grandiose occasion. Not anything extreme like a terrorist invasion; just something mild like Kate Middleton stumbling over on her way down the aisle, fracturing her ankle in the process and thereby being unable to continue her walk, causing the entire ceremony to be cancelled while Prince William literally pisses his pants in a state of panic. Yes, that should do nicely.