A Christmas Joke

Many years ago, Santa was having his worst Christmas ever.

The elves had gone on strike. Trade negotiations with ACAS had broken down, and it was clear that no financial settlement was going to be reached before the new year. Santa had drafted in the tooth fairies to help out, but they just hadn't had enough training in present wrapping, so delivery was going to fall drastically behind schedule.
On top of that, Mrs Claus had asked for a trial separation. It had transpired that she'd been having an affair with the Easter Bunny for the last six months and now felt more satisfied than she'd been with Santa. Apparently bunnies just liked a lot more fun!
On top of that, Rudolph's nose had gone out! The traditional Christmas trial run on December the 23^rd had failed abysmally when lack of light had caused the sleigh to crash into pylons over Greenland, electrocuting two reindeer (not fatally), thereby preventing them from working on Christmas Eve.
And on top of that, Donner had got Blitzen pregnant, meaning that she was entitled to maternity leave at the most inconvenient of times. I mean, really, who would have thought that Donner was a fella?!
Then, to top it all off, when Santa was already running hours late and was worried about having to deliver presents well into the morning of December the 25^th, the chief tooth fairy (a conceited so-and-so) strolled into the main workshop, lackadaisical as ever, and said to Santa: “Yo, fatman! Where do you want this last Christmas tree shoving?!”
And to this day, that is why we put fairies on the tops of Christmas trees!

 

Suck On This Humbug!

Reasons that I hate Christmas.
1. Commercialism. Now I'm certainly not gonna spout out religious sound bites that Christmas has lost its true meaning because 'Jesus died for us' bollocks. But there are some people (especially those with young children) who enjoy the magic and sparkle of Santa Claus bringing presents on his reindeer and all that jazz. Yet this notion has seemingly been eternally corrupted by the new spirit of Christmas: shopping! A pastime which people indulge in far too much anyway the rest of the year round becomes a national obsession in December; so much so that stress takes over any feelings of joy. It's almost as if (and sorry about the religious reference again) 'Glory to god in the highest' has been misconstrued with a simple spelling mistake to become 'Glory to god in the High St'! Which brings me on to my second point.
2. Child competition. Some mothers even fight in stores nowadays in order to get the last fashionable toy off the shelf for their beloved children who are apparently somehow better than anybody else's children. Perhaps if parents bought their children little gifts all the year round then they wouldn't feel so much pressure to perform at Yuletide. Or perhaps - and this is a big one, I know - children should be brought up to understand that money and materialism don't encapsulate all of the saving graces of this planet. Wow, wouldn't that be something, to have a child with a sense of morality regarding wealth.
3. Inane happiness. If I'm generally pissed off with the world then - believe me - a few baubles, a bit of tinsel, a fake tree and a fat man in a bright red suit drinking Coke ain't gonna make a damn bit of difference to me. But some people seem to think that Christmas gives them the right to lecture me for being too serious. It simply doesn't. And finally...
4. The same bloody simple-minded music. There are a few good Christmas songs, especially The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl's 'Fairytale of New York'. But most of them are just shallow attempts at cashing in on the festive season with very little real effort. I wish that Slade and Wizzard would fuck right off.
I'm looking forward to being visited by three ghosts this year; only I don't think that the ghost of Christmas past will have much good to show me.